


G is for Let Me Google That For You

by splash_the_cat



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Epistolary, Gen, Humor, Internet, Poop joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-23 02:20:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6101574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splash_the_cat/pseuds/splash_the_cat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cassie introduces Jack to Google Hangouts.  It goes exactly as one would expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	G is for Let Me Google That For You

**Author's Note:**

> While I do think Teal'c is the internet troll king of SG-1, Jack is likely no slouch in that department. For the Epistolary Alphabet Soup challenge.

Cassie's phone chirped. And chirped. And chirped.

"Caaaassss," Amir groaned, yanking the pillow out from under her head to drag it over his.

She groped around on her nightstand, but no phone. They'd come back from the bar a little tipsy, and she had no recollection of where she'd put her phone.

It chirped again.

"Caaaaasssss," came a muffled whine from under the pillow. "Fix your phoooooooone."

Pants. Right. It was probably in her pants' pocket. She crawled out of the bed and blearily searched the floor until she found them. Digging her phone out, she glared at its calm, glowing presentation of the time: 5:40 a.m. The offensive hour was replaced by another chirp and a Google Hangout alert:

JACK  
_Are you asleep? Don't you have class?_

When she opened the app she found:

JACK: _Cass._  
JACK: _Hey Cassie._  
JACK: _You there?_  
JACK: _You asleep?_

"Oh for crying out loud," she said.

"Cass?" Amir's sleepy voice tried for concern, but mostly failed. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, it's just Jack," she said. Amir huffed a laugh, said, "Have fun," and burrowed back under the covers. She'd told Jack about Google Hangouts and set up one up for him and Daniel, hoping to give him another avenue to track down Daniel, rather than Jack calling her and asking her to text Daniel to call him, because "Daniel never pays attention when I text him to call me."

Clearly she had miscalculated. Cassie crawled back into bed and typed:

CASS: _WHAT_  
JACK: _Morning, sunshine._  
CASS: _WHAT DO YOU WANT_  
JACK: _How do you spell scrumptious?_

Cassie stared at the correctly-spelled word on her screen.

CASSIE: _http://dictionary.reference.com/_  
JACK: _That doesn't look right either._  
CASSIE: _OMG_  
JACK: _Language, young lady._

"Agh!" Cassie threw her phone (gently) onto the other end of the bed and pulled her pillow away from Amir and over her head.

*********************  
Her undergrads were clustered around the room working on their group discussion section projects, so when her phone vibrated in her pocket she slumped down behind the table at the head of the classroom and wiggled it out. Amir was due to hear about a big grant today, and she wanted to stop on the way home and pick up appropriate provisions for whichever way his news went.

It wasn't Amir.

JACK: _Whatcha doing?_  
CASS: _working_  
JACK: _On what?_  
CASS: _teaching class, and taking notes for a paper_  
JACK: _I thought you were past the homework stage._  
CASS: _its for publication i'm trying to get it out so i can have something in print when i start going on the job market this summer_  
JACK: _What's it about?_  
JACK: _Use small words_

It used to make her so angry, how Jack played dumb, but her own experiences as she got older, in hiding what she was, and what she knew, finally made her understand a little more about the utility of masks and buffers and controlling people's perceptions of you, even if that perception wasn't flattering.

CASS: _semiotics_  
JACK: _That is not a small word._  
CASS: _what stuff means_  
JACK: _Is this like a Daniel thing?_  
CASS: _kind of_  
JACK: _Oh hey, speaking of what stuff means, I wanted to ask you, what does "meme" mean? Is that some internet slang for selfish people? Like "Me me me"? T keeps sending them to me, and I want to know if I should be insulted._

One of her students had shuffled up to the desk and skittered back a little as she snorted a laugh. "Sorry," she said, and quickly keyed in:

CASS: _http://lmgtfy.com/_

*******************

JACK: _Okay, some lady at the coffee shop invited me to "netflix and chill."_

The sound she let out turned heads in her direction three tables out, and she waved a weak apology to the other library patrons as she clamped her other hand over her mouth and dissolved into helpless, choked giggles that only got worse until she ducked out of the study room and leaned against the wall outside, clutching her phone as she gulped for air. Every time she looked at the text from Jack, though, she started laughing again, until tears ran down her face and she had to find a bathroom and some paper towel.

Ten minutes later she crept back to her table in the study room and had to bite her lip hard to keep from starting up all over again when she considered sending Jack a link to Urban Dictionary. But as hilarious as that would be, she had to get work done today, so instead she sent:

CASSIE: _http://ask.reference.com/_

********************

JACK: _Carter wants to know if you're eating your vegetables_  
CASS: _http://www.cdc.gov/listeria/outbreaks/_  
JACK: _Farmer's markets. Embrace them._

*******************

Cass came out of the kitchen bouncing the casserole dish in her hands, the worn oven mitts not enough against the heat, to see Amir frowning at his phone. "Everything okay?" she asked as she deftly slid off one mitt as a trivet for the dish without singeing her fingers, a trick she'd learned from years of watching her Mom do it, like some sort of fancy Earth magic.

"Did you give Jack my phone number?"

"No," she said, baffled. Amir held his phone out to her as she shucked off the other oven mitt.

JACK: _Hey, Amir._  
JACK: _I'd say nice to meet you, but I haven't yet._  
JACK: _Is Cass trying to hide something?_  
JACK: _Hmmmm?_

Cassie fell into her chair and thudded her forehead against the table before grabbing her phone and stabbing the text icon.

CASSIE: _Jack O'Neill, stop using government utilities to find out my boyfriend's cell number_  
JACK: _Then maybe you should bring him home sometime. Teal'c's met him DANIEL'S met him. What gives?_  
CASSIE: _Sam hasn't met him_  
JACK: _Doesn't count, considering she's in OUTER SPACE. And she said she talked to him on video chat last week_  
CASSIE: _..._  
CASSIE: _..._  
CASSIE: _OK FINE_

Cassie put her phone in her pocket and spooned lentil stew onto her plate. "So," she said, "How do you feel abou-"

Amir's phone beeped. He stared at it for a long moment before he raised one eyebrow and looked up at Cassie. "Why did Jack send me link to Expedia?"

Cassie just sighed and shoved the dish of stew across the table to Amir. "Want to go to D.C. next weekend?"

********************

When she got out of the shower, she found Amir still sprawled across the bed, furiously typing on his phone. As she towel-dried her hair, she heard him laugh, and when she peered out from between the damp strands covering her eyes, saw him grin as he tossed his phone onto the nightstand and head into the bathroom.

The last time she'd seen him grin like that was when he and Jack had been trading fishing stories when they flew up to D.C. last month. She sidled around the side of the bed so she could see what was on the screen before it locked. Sure enough...

"You're texting Jack!?"

"Wha?" Amir ducked his head out of the bathroom, toothbush hanging out of the corner of his mouth. "Ja's grea'!"

Cassie marched back around the bed to grab her phone.

CASS: _no ganging up on me_  
CASS: _i mean it_  
CASS: _no using my boyfriend to spy on me_  
JACK: _You're no fun._  
JACK: _But that's okay. I already have people for that._

********************

  
JACK: _I'm hip, right?_  
CASS: _as in the kind you might break?_  
JACK: _I got you a dog, young lady. Show some respect._  
JACK: _No, but really, Teal'c said this means ice cream: [emoji]_  
CASS: _totally_

********************

_ _

JACK: _Amir said it is NOT ICE CREAM, CASSANDRA_  
CASS: _[emoji]_

********************

Cassie had just started to doze off when her phone chirped in her ear. Next to her, Amir groaned and flailed a hand in the general direction of her nightstand before burrowing into the blankets like a mole.

"Fine," she muttered and grabbed the phone. 12:42 a.m. it blinked solemnly as a Hangout alert popped up:

JACK: _Oh hey, been meaning to mention this. I read your paper._

Cassie untangled herself from the blankets so she could sit up against the headboard. She stared at the message, blinking uncomprehendingly, before typing:

CASS: _what paper?_  
JACK: _The one you mentioned a few months ago._  
JACK: _About the meaning of "stuff"_  
JACK: _Lots of big words, but that urban.dictionary site helped a lot_  
JACK: _Or was that dictionary.com?_  
JACK: _Anyway, good stuff._  
CASSIE: _what? how did you find it_  
JACK: _Jstor linked to it. The journal website has it all online, you know._

Her phone chirped again.

JACK: _Come on, Cass. I do know how to use Google._


End file.
